I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*