to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot