Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.