7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.