Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”