Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…