Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Introverted vegans go meetless
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Solving a traffic jam
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie