Me, in DM rooms…
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Muppet Screams
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave