just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad