“no gods no masters” = leo
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”