#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
is this how new cars are made??
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished