If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
You Might Also Like
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*