why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue