Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
LA today:
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
congratulations to them
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Every BBC series about the universe.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.