A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad