If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
this is the greatest thing ever
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm