me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
🙅🏻
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”