When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no