They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.