ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’m tired tomorrow.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
We’ve all been there…
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Challenge accepted.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.