The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.