boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Um … Hot Wings please
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”