Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no