If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
You Might Also Like
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
PLOT TWIST:
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
And then there were 4
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.