Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
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This anagram machine is out of order.
me adding lol on a serious message
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too