My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?