the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.