“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
is this a warning or an offer?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw