I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY