I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.