4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
same bro
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth