Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.