Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Dietest Coke
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*