[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise