Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
termite twitter scares me
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”