Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
All set.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Nothing.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.