Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
#CoronaOutbreak
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?