1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral