new year update: losing everything but weight
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”