My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one