so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
no such thing as a dumb question
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through