As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.