There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
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We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.