SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.