Midwest trash talk
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.