[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Good morning.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Guantanamo Bae
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.