Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.