Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.