reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.