Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Catering service
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers